I think it's finally done.
I hope it's finally done.

It still hurts to think about you,
and I've given up hoping that that's ever going to change.

The other option is to just stop thinking about you all together.

Current Music: None. I'm finished.

i watched you sleeping.
your neck was elongated and there was a beautiful hollow that extended from the top of your sternum, up the front of your throat and behind your right ear.
i must have traced it with my eyes a hundred times.
i wanted to kiss you in the shadow just below your ear, nestled in behind your jaw bone.
the curve of your shoulder in the yellow light was unbearably beautiful.
i adore you.
i hope you don't find out.

Current Music: samson - RS

really, how do i even know if i still love you?
how do i know if i still know you?

it's really been some time.

well, here's to hoping.

here's to you.

Current Music: oh you delicate heart - HW

You know why I can't let go of this?

Because you have a favorite picture of me, a favorite way I wear my hair, a favorite dress, and a song you said you think of as about me. you know that I put my fingers to my lips when I'm concentrating and you said it reminds you of Juliet, and the first CD you ever burned me is the one thing guaranteed to put me to sleep. You came to see me in a terrible church musical and you told me that I was a wonderful big sister.

You look at me like no one else does.

And I just can't bring myself to believe that you don't still love me.

Current Music: Skinny Boy - AM

I must be crazy.
I really thought I was finished.

I am not finished.

When I see you, or hear your name, I forget everything else; I lose track of where I am and what I am doing because you fill me up so completely there's just no room for anything else.

One day, in the spring, I want to knock on your front door wearing a white dress and holding a red balloon, or a single daisy. And I'll say:

"Doll, if I was afraid of being hurt by you, I can guarantee I wouldn't be here right now. Every time you've hurt me it's been because I've let you; I've opened myself to it. I don't want you to be perfect, I don't want you to be good to me all the time. You have the power to make me better and stronger and more beautiful than I've ever been, but you do not have the power to destroy me. You cannot destroy me because I won't let you. You need to trust that. I love you."

And then I'll wait.

Current Music: Ask Me Not Astronaut - tSCC

I have this recurring dream where I'm pregnant, and it's yours.
We slept together on a rash impulse, backstage at a theatre.
We aren't together in the dream, I don't know if you even know about it.
And yet I am completely happy, and thrilled to be having a baby.
Maybe I want something to remember you by.
Or maybe it represents the amazing gift you've given me by being in my life;
a gift that I will treasure forever, regardless of where we end up.
Thank you so much, mon amourissima.
I think a part of me will probably always belong to you, and I'm glad.
I still love you, but I don't miss you anymore.

Current Music: Sweet Hallelujah - HW

the last time we lay together, it was the epitome of our perfection.
the last time you held me, we were singing hallelujah.
the last time we danced, it marked the end of an era.
the last time we kissed, we were romeo and juliet.

i wouldn't have it any other way.

Current Music: Tonight - STARS

there's nothing to say.

except maybe
goodbye.

Current Music: You're Beautiful - JB

I was all wrong about you.
Well, more about me.

I said I needed to be away from you to "reclaim myself."
But I gave you too much credit.
It wasn't being close to you that made me lose myself.
I was going to go through some of that no matter what I did.
I needed to.
But I know myself, and I trust myself, and I love myself.
And I still love you.

I don't need to escape from you.
I don't want to.

I'm stronger than that.
And I think you know it.
Don't worry about me.
I love you.

Current Music: Calendar Girl - STARS

This summer has been really good to me.
It's grounded me.
I've gotten over a lot of pride that was holding me back.
I met some of the most incredible children that have really touched me.

But there's something else about this summer.
You weren't a part of it.
Not really.

I thought about you all the time.
As always.
But you were never really there.
You didn't see me cry.
You didn't hear me laugh.

Only I'm scared.
I've proven to myself that I have plenty of room to grow and learn and find happiness without you there.
But if I know that I don't need you, maybe I won't try as hard to keep you.
And if I don't fight tooth and nail for you... you might just fade away from me.

Or it could be the opposite.
Maybe if I do cool down and step back it'll be easier to keep you around.
But I don't know if I want you as anything less than you've been.
I don't want a casual aquaintance from you.
I don't want someone to have coffee with once a month.
I want the boy I have shown my heart to time and time again.
The boy who's arms I've fallen into too many times to count.
The boy who painted me a tapestry when I graduated.
The boy who I sang for before I could sing for anyone.

I will fight for it.
I will fight for you.
I will fight until I can't fight anymore.
And who knows when that'll be?

Current Music: Unsafe Safe - tHS